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As I watched you sleeping this morning (I know, you can’t believe I do that), my first thought was how delicate you looked. Your fine classic features were outlined by the dark quilt you had thrown over yourself. I look with amazement at my little girl who is now somewhere between being a little girl and becoming a young lady. You were so peaceful with a smile on your face. I imagine fun and fanciful dreams were playing on the theater of your mind.
I looked down and noticed that your fists were clenched. My first thought was the old “all or nothing response” where your hands are either relaxed or not. It’s not really something one has control over. But somehow it became a symbol of your determination and readiness. Here you were looking as delicate as a porcelain doll, but your hands were stretched out like those dolls rather they were in a position that said, “I’m ready for action, and I won’t break.”
Oh, Jasmine, I know you are ready for action. I know a lot of the time when we don’t see things the same way, it is just your way of saying, “I have to have my own opinion. I need to be able to grow and take care of myself.” And yes, I know that I hover too close and worry too much. (Mom, you watch
me sleeping that might be hovering a little too close). In this next year I will try not to hover too close. I will try to let you spring into action without springing right behind you. I will worry. I’m sorry that will never go away.
I hope you achieve a balance between the delicateness and the determination. I know you play up your delicateness when you don’t want to do something or you don’t want to put the effort behind something. But that is not when you need to play the delicate flower. This is when the determined persistent Jasmine needs to bloom. When something is hard is the time to push. When you have to do the mundane tasks to make your life richer and more complete is the time to come up with your fists ready. For example, music is something that will enrich your life. I know you hate the exercises and just want to be able to play grand songs. Instead of making excuses about practicing, now is the time to decide to practice and put up with something you consider inane. Someday, beautiful music will flow from your fingers and you will look at a sheet of music and hear it play in your head. The reward will be so great.
Now, on the other hand, there are times you need to let things be more delicate. Sometimes, you need to put in less effort and let things come to you. I have seen you set your mind on some event and seem so determined that it will all play out in your way. Then when things don’t go as expected, you get that hurt dejected look. Even though things didn’t go the way you wanted them to go, other people were having a good time and enjoying themselves. If you could only take a step back from getting it to be your way, you would probably enjoy the twists and turns that humans provide.
There lies the mystery how to balance the delicate and the determined, when to push and when to let things develop on their own. How I wish I could hover over you when you have to make those decisions, but deciding when to be determined and when to relax is your own decision. I will be there to gently nudge you along, and I will worry about whether you are determined enough in some situations or if you are trying to hard. I will always be there to encourage and support you.
And I will always sneak into your room and watch you sleep and dream.
Love,
August 23, 2002 |
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